Sheer exhaustion at all levels

I've been waking up early at around 7am these past few days to rush through notes for my O'level Literature student whose papers start in a week's time. It is an effort because not only do I have to wake up early but it is also a mental exercise I'm undertaking.

After that, it's tuition and church, depending on which day it is. By the time the day ends, I'm pooped and it was so apparent to the point that I fell down at a restaurant. Though it wasn't my first time there, I tripped over steps leading to the seat. I can only attribute my embarrassment in front of 2 families to sheer fatigue.

Thankfully, I didn't affect anyone else but myself in the process. There was no domino effect as a girl next to me had a bowl of soup in front of her. If I had hit her, I don't know if anyone would be injured as a result. Oh, I'm fine, no injury.

I tried to sleep and pray but I'm still exhausted. I think I need a spiritual retreat or at least some personal time. It's quite serious because I get irritated easily and neglect others' feelings. It seems that I have so many preoccupations to deal with though.

I also tried to start planning for Christmas and getting into the mood but these're temporary measures.

I still haven't finished my Literature notes though but I don't want to plunge into them when I'm in this state. My productivity will be lower than normal.

I've received my choir schedule for the year-end. It's worse than usual because of this extra performance based on my church's patron saint. Sigh... I think I'll get even more burnt out than I already am.

Though there're days when we're free, it's still very tight. I'm leaving for a trip which deprives me of a number of rehearsals and that means that I've to do a crash course when I return. I'm most worried about the choreography but what comes to mind as I type this is that I've to cling to God with all this hustle thrown at me. I need Him for strength and zeal.

I've to change my tuition lessons in accordance with this schedule. Everything's topsy-turvy.

Our concert's not the ultimate thing but Christmas midnight mass two days later. I reckon carolling sessions will fall in between or on Christmas Day itself. Even if I can hang on till after Christmas ends, I think I'll fall sick. I cannot forget the shopping and preparing of cards and presents for the occasion as well.

God! Help me! Though it keeps me busy, it can affect my health adversely. :S

No more home alone

My parents came back yesterday. I was a little paranoid because they were an hour later than expected. I also thought I had heard my mum calling me. Thankfully I was at home to receive them.

When my mum came out of the car, she smiled at me and that moment revealed to me a most ravishing and sweet smile. I had never known how pretty she was amd though she had just sat through a gruelling 14-hour flight, she didn't look haggard. Her hair was not messy and it was nicely curled at her nape.

They bought so many fattening and unhealthy things. There were delicious and syrup-sweet wafers and chocolates. I told my mum to give them away. I had gotten used to eating healthily when they were away and am still continuing the habit of doing so.

The photographs have been developed and I'm glad to see that my dad took a picture of the crucifix made out of salt in the mine they went to. More importantly, he took pictures of Pope John Paul II and the Blessed Sacrament, people very close to my heart.

Well, now that they are back, I know I'll gain back the weight I had lost while they were away. Sigh. I know they make sure I eat well because I've to go to my students' houses and hence the weight gain. Also, I meet my friends for dinner at mostly expensive places and I get to eat home-cooked food only when my parents're away. Oh well.

Physical Fatigue and Solitude

The major event as well as lack of rest, coupled with work, had left me wrapped up in a veil of extreme tiredness.

Immediately after the event, I went home to change before going off to meet a friend for lunch. Though I was emotionally and spiritually refreshed, I was not refreshed, physically. Then I did stuff and slept late that night.

After work the next day, I was so tired that I slept really early at 9.35pm. I had to wake up early the morning after.

However I was still drowsy later in the afternoon the day after. It was not a sound nap though. I woke up in a fit of intense sleepiness due to a neighbour's car. I didn't even bother to do my chores, leaving it to later in the evening. Now I'm better.

I watch this Chinese serial every Sunday night at 11pm. The previous episode showed a discussion between 3 men on the meaning of solitude.

It is not loneliness owing to a loved one's death or alienation due to being the only one surviving in a battle. It is being the only person on earth.

This is an interesting perspective of the term. Solitude was what Adam and Eve went through then, when they were first made, since the other living things around them were non-human.

Discovery of self has not ceased

I still have expectations placed upon me in areas where I thought had ended with the passing of time and been left in the past.

I was asked to render assistance to the person in charge of an event, probably due to experience. There were consultations and supervisory tasks from others as well. Of course, there were areas in which I showed wanting. However my fortes were reaffirmed.

I rediscovered my way of working. I'm not inclined to performing under too much pressure and expectation. I lead best in a setting where I'm allowed to be free, to be trusted. Then my leadership characteristic comes out naturally.

I do have dreadful feelings towards major projects like this one for instance. In order to aim at efficiency and logistical perfection, feelings can be brushed aside or on the contrary, fears can inhibit effort so as not to spoil the picture.

It came to a point for me that I showed physical signs of giving way and had to take unofficial time off to spend time in prayer for strength. I couldn't confront my fear even though I could have. My age and seniority give me no excuse. Also, I had a differing perspective towards a logistical issue with one of my juniors. Though we thought we were right, I decided to give way to her because I didn't want to distrust her ability. It was truly an act of humility but I know Mary inspired me to.

Through it all, I had angels with me. From close friends, mutual fellowship and acknowledged gratitude to extra help offered, they were appearing before my eyes. Of course my limited awareness failed to recognise the goodwill.

After the event had ended, the chaos and unrest associated with it overwhelmed me to the extent that I yearned for silence within me. I took some time to verbalise my thoughts over it, there being a negative experience of being taken for granted. Such is the human journey. We NEED to be silent within because the external world never stops moving. This will affect our peace. We need to recharge ourselves so that we can deal with it once more.

Home alone again

My parents are going for another trip and this time, it is for a longer duration. They're leaving tonight and will be away for 9 days. Somehow it's not exactly easier to bear because it's for a longer period of time, though it is the second time. So I kind of helped them to pack and told them things to note because I won't be with them.

I've to settle my own meals during this time and it can be a headache thinking of what to eat. It is also kind of anxious because they're boarding a plane this time and my mind's acting up in terms of paranoid fears towards their safety. They're going with a big group of friends and that should be assuring. There are doctors in the group and they can look after my parents should they fall ill. Also, my sister-in-law is going with them. However the safety factor is beyond human control ultimately and only in God's hands. Thus, prayer is the answer and security. My parents have their rosaries and crucifixes with them so I know that they're with God and Mary.

Still, human nature is such that it tends to have worries. My parents have taken precautions in case of untoward events. The important documentation and contacts have been taken care of. Above all though, I pray that they will be back safely in Singapore on Nov 3rd at 2.30pm. May their guardian angels be with them at all times and make things go smoothly, in God's spirit.

Home Alone

My parents are on a cruise and I've been left alone at home for close to a week. There are pros and cons. I can get to cook when I usually can't, because my mum doesn't trust my cleaning skills! Lol. True! It does get quiet though. I have to keep either the tv or the radio on so that there's some noise. I keep more lights on because I'm alone.

On the rational side, I have responsibilites and tasks to fulfill. It takes some effort to remember to carry them out but it tests my maturity and independent nature, that I can be trusted. I've another chance to show this in Oct.

I miss my parents though. When my dad called back, I was glad to hear his voice. They are coming back tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait to find out about their travels and tell them about this fabulous lunch I had after a baptism service. I pray God brings them back safely to me. :)

Accents

Accents can be abused as a concealment for improper spoken English and vulgarities spewing even. The person may sound 'cool' and "refined" but if one cares to listen beyond the pretty packaging, one will be repulsed after that. It is substance above everything else. Accents can't disguise what's ugly. The truth will come to light. Remember this.

The Internet and Blogs

My modem was not in operation for a week and I could not surf the Internet for that period of time. Initially, I was fine with this unexpected occurrence but as time went by and hope that I could do so again surged, I started feeling a few withdrawal symptoms. The day I could do so, I felt as if life was back to normal for me. :)

There have been articles in the newspapers about the various types of blog entries found online. Two adults in their 20s were charged with making racist remarks in their blogs, spewing vulgarities at a certain race. This spells insensitivity and a potential racial division in our tight-knit society, which may lead to racial riots and national dissension. An inter-school blog championship was also held and Victoria JC won it. Also, the tsunami survivors had documented their feelings about the disaster in their blogs, personal recounts but not in the fictional sense.

A Day in the Life of a Coffeeshop Muser

I was eating at the same coffeeshop I had encountered bad service at sometime back. This time the lady was really polite towards me. Maybe she was tired or in a bad mood that night, or maybe it was due to condescension of a radical division. I'm just guessing.

I was just looking around while waiting for my food and a few customers caught my eye. There was a lady eating alone like I was but she finished her food in record time. Woa, I thought only guys could achieve that. No offence to her. A mother and son were eating at another table and all they ate was plain rice with omelette. I don't think that will suffice for me, as it is very bland in taste and I will need more dishes to complement my rice. A big group of students were having dinner after school and they reminded me of my schooldays when I would have a meal with my good friends too. We used to patronise this Japanese restaurant along Upper Thomson Road.

Service to customers

This issue has been one of the popular topics discussed in the newspapers. It is primarily on salespeople giving bad service to customers and practising double standards towards foreigners as opposed to locals. The other side of the coin has been mentioned too, that customers must show they deserve that good service.

I encountered a grouchy lady selling Western food in a coffeeshop today. She had given me 3 pieces of serviettes and the fan had blown them away. My friend helped me ask for more after I had finished eating and she said she had given me already. My friend said I had dropped it and she said I ought to be scolded for that. She wasn't joking. Her face was perfectly serious and grumpy. She gave 2 pieces eventually but we were left wondering what she was thinking about.

I was however fine with her behaviour. I wasn't surprised with it because getting stallholders in coffeeshops to give exemplary service isn't easy due to their lower educational level. I reckoned that she was in a bad mood and was tired too. She was still looking grumpy when serving other customers. Oh well.

More humbug on model exam answers

I refer to a letter in the newspapers on this topic, stating that "those who rely on model answers for success will look for a crutch." It is "a lack of thinking ability, only (to) help to retard one's mental faculties (and resulting in) a dearth of inventors." Another seems apparently fed up with this and questioned in his letter as to whether "this issue should be brought up with CASE" against the publishers, if MOE did not look into the matter.

The most obnoxious effect of following model exam answers is that of mere regurgitation. Funnily enough, students seem to do worse when 'vomiting' them out onto the answer scripts, as compared to when giving their own two cents' worth towards the exam questions. Strange but true, as heard with my own ears. This was a no-no even while doing my degree. The examiners' comments each year contained lashings towards students who did just that till the phenomenon stopped altogether. There is literary plagiarism but this is "exam plagiarism" then. The only thing positive is the increase in their memory power but not much creative thinking and mental exercise.

Being students...

There have been a few interesting letters on student life in the newspapers nowadays. Some of the more lasting snippets are: primary school children carry bags weighing 5 kg while secondary school children carry bags weighing 7 kg, a parent, who belongs to the minority group, complains about our local education system and reckons that the government won't do anything about reducing the pressure on children, a student thinks that it is up to the children themselves to find the pleasures in such a pressure-cooker system, another parent feels that just as there is a work-life balance for workers, there should be one for students too and yet another parent laments that with tests and exams to study for, children have no time to spend with their families, to eat a proper dinner and to sleep adequately.

This topic carries on in terms of a student supporting his school principal's decision to shorten the duration of each lesson and thus improving the results as well as the effective studying of the students, a parent advocating long school hours for character-building purposes rather than for purely academic purposes and another parent agreeing that long school hours prevent students from mixing with bad company and making poor use of their idle time.

Recently, it has shifted to model exam answers and assessment books as aids to getting better grades. Economics is the most attacked subject. The essays are irrelevant to the questions and not detailed enough. As for assessment books, the answer sheet provided may have inaccurate answers but some inflexible teachers may think that any other answers from them cannot be accepted.

When I was a student, I wasn't as stressed as students now. Of course, it may be also because I wasn't very serious about my studies. *blush* I never needed tuition for my subjects, except for Chinese. I relied on school remedials. I started sleeping very late only when I was doing my A'levels, surviving on 3 hours of sleep. After coming home, I watched a bit of television, ate dinner and then slept from 8pm to 3am. Then I woke up to do my tutorials and assignments till 6am, which was when I got ready for school. I would use my second break period to catch up on sleep in a quiet cubicle in the library. On Saturdays, I would wake up early for extra lectures. When exams approached, I would be studying in the library after lessons.

Nowadays, secondary school students are doing what I did during my A'levels! Even primary school students suffer from parents' sometimes unreasonable pressure on them. Their holidays are used for more revision for exams and not for play! I don't remember revising intensely before primary 5 back then!

I don't have much faith that our ministry will actually take the grouses of the citizens seriously enough to make changes too. Things only seem to have worsened for the younger ones ever since I graduated from university 3 years back. I admire the guts of that parent who wrote this comment to the Forum page. I definitely agree with him but have no courage to spell it out so clearly and bravely.

Yet long school hours, if properly used, can be interesting and enriching for the students. Instead of just extra lessons and core curricular activities, optional workshops and excursions can be held, taking into account the non-academic aspects of student life as well. However, as to its effectiveness in preventing students from mixing with bad company, it doesn't seem to be that good, since bad company can still be found in the schools themselves. It can only prevent students from mixing with bad company found outside the schools at the very most.

I remember my Econs tutor telling me that model essays are not good because they are written by students themselves and sometimes their teachers don't edit them before giving it to the printers. Looks like this phenomenon is still around and I had received this tip more than 10 years ago! As a tutor, I have never trusted the answer sheets attached to assessment books or school papers. I mark them based on my own knowledge. I don't want to deprive the students' different and yet reasonable answers of being accepted as correct. It would be so narrow-minded if I just followed the answer sheets blindly and unquestioningly. In fact, there are mistakes made in the exercises themselves too! The most common ones are grammatical in nature. This is a great hazard as there is an implicit view in the accuracy of assessment books.

The purpose of blogs

Blogs are online diaries for public viewing, I reckon. So I practise crypticism in my expression of thoughts. To me, it seems unbecoming and inconsiderate to use real names, especially when I have negative things to say about people. Maybe I'm just too polite, I don't know. I know there are blogs which practise such blatant and candid expression but I feel it can hurt people who happen to fall into the category of being spoken ill of. Oh, I have no right to criticise bloggers who do this since blogs are somewhat like personal diaries, I know.

This awareness extends to the use of diction. The choice of words can differ from person to person but somehow vulgarities, which express "more fully" one's feelings, reflect on the person's character. There're blogs which show disregard for one's civilized state of mind in this way. Lack of self-control is apparent and the answer to the question of whether humans are better than animals is definitely a negative one, with the usage of such language.

Oh, of course I'm aware that there is freedom of speech, thought and choice in the world. Thus I would like to clarify that this is my subjective opinion. Period.

Blogs are allegedly uncreative and ignorant , as mentioned in a newspaper article. Well, most of the reviews I've got about mine are positive, citing my blog as profound, educational and informative. I write my opinions on current affairs as well as personal happenings in it. Rachel even said that I could write as well as a journalist. So there, ST!

Words

Time seems to pass by so quickly that I find my brain and body unable to catch up with it. Or is it the tediousness of Literature as a subject, or is it the 'disabilities' of my brain and body? Literature is tedious because it requires analysis at a certain depth. The pressure increases when I am teaching it as opposed to studying it. Every word, phrase or sentence means something. I can stagnate at one particular place in the text for a long time because so many thoughts associated with it just bombard my mind. After that, I have to overcome the arduous task of expressing them in language, which is structuralist in nature! Yes, my limited knowledge of language contributes to this as well.... Darn! Hence language and literature are inextricably linked. Everything the characters say, think or do cannot be seen as literal. Contextual and figurative meaning must be embedded within. Even the authorial comments are not spared too!

Words are not just words. They have attached meanings and their proper usage can bring out one's deepest and hidden thoughts into the open. This brings about emotional pain, which is more intense and deeper, as a result. To attempt writing one's feelings out means to attempt facing one's pain, fears, hurts and rejections. There will be a tendency to cease writing hence. The difference between writing out one's thoughts and one's feelings out is the distinct difference in definition (allliteration!) between "thoughts" and "feelings". "Thoughts" are most usually associated with the head and rationality while "feelings" are more associated with the heart and emotion. That is why it is more difficult to write out one's feelings because that is when you have to face what you cannot face.

EDITOR'S NOTE

To my critics,

It seems as if I have not been updating my blog entries regularly and consistently, if you just read the dates but I have been, in another way. I update my existing entries by editing them. In other words, I add thoughts. I don't start a new entry unless it is based on a completely new topic in my entry list. So you will have to re-read all my entries to get the latest thoughts. I update based on topics rather than on dates.

It may not a regular update due to the tedious nature of the task. Anyway, writing is not an immediate medium of expression like speech is, where feelings and thoughts are concerned. The heart is where they rest in and it is "classified".

From the editor.

Emotional fatigue still exists after so long.

Sometimes it is really hard to please people even though I try to cater to their needs. Granted, the circumstances are beyond my control but still, it makes my earlier efforts go 'poof'. Also, in the process of doing so, I tend to put down others, an inclination that has followed me through the years, unfortunately. Then I just get tired of trying and become harsh. Sometimes harshness makes the truth more direct in its communication actually..... People refuse to accept the truth without it.

Expectations run high upon me because of my age but I can't meet them to the exact degree, sorry. Sometimes life deals us lessons we find difficult to absorb but everyone HAS to go through those experiences, including me! I didn't have anyone older to talk to with full trust when I went through them at their age, unlike those who come to me now. They are so lucky, at the expense of my sounding proud!

It is mentally and emotionally exhausting to change things and help make things right. This attitude is back with me again. Certain things have changed for the better but some haven't. Still, thinking about the last resort isn't something I'd actually do, ironically for emotional reasons again.

Yes, I'm extremely cryptic here for fear of offending the parties involved but on the other hand, even if they realise the truth, they will still not change. The situation has arose because of the choices made in their behaviour and attitudes. I doubt my words will create a strong impact as to reverse their adamant choices. Yes, I am being sarcastic as well!

Social conventions? "Humbug," as Scrooge in Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol says.

Sometimes social conventions can be a hindrance rather than a help. They seem to be in existence to guide the ignorant and provide light to the darkness of the uncivilised world, to quell the rowdiness in barbaric human instincts and to tame the primitive nature of man. Yes indeed, it is most prominently seen in the 18th century, the Augustan period in English history but in reality, it can frustrate and exasperate man's deepest desires. We are expected to live up to and within what society recognises as proper. However, that is just what the majority of society thinks. When any one convention is defied, it is seen as rebellious and "wrong" What crap! The human right to pursue dreams is not given leeway because of these ludicrous "rules".

Women must marry someone older, richer, taller and handsome. I believe each one of us has an idea of what makes up our potential mate! It is OUR relationship, not society's! Why should we conform to what society expects of us, when those expectations may not give us true happiness?! As long as the couple are agreeable with each other, social norms should not destroy that perfect picture in their eyes! Social norms have separated potentially happy couples and married unhappy couples. This is all because social expectations have reared their ugly heads upon people's desires and thawed the morally fine passions of their hearts! Age is just a number. Some people surpass or defeat their biological age accordingly. Wealth is a materialistic concept that is temporal in nature and cannot buy certain invaluable possessions. Height and looks are based on appearance but youth and external beauty will fade, as opposed to internal beauty and character.

Doctors and lawyers are seen as professional but not tutors?? Utter crap!! Get a life man! What may not be "proper" to people is just their perception, full of myopic crap! I love kids and everything associated with them, and that's my life! Too bad if people cannot understand why!!

Social rituals are also included. I was eating at a Japanese restaurant and unconsciously used my chopsticks in the wrong manner. When my cousin told me, I continued with it since it was already dirtied. I then realised why this girl next to him kept looking at me.

Social rituals are habits that cultures instill upon their people. Etiquette like which utensil to use, how to eat certain foods or where to sit at the formal dinner table, are expected to be followed. When they aren't, alienation and ostracization occur. Does meeting the required etiquette mean that one is more superior and elite than others?? I think comfort should be the key here. I am not trying to justify the "mistake" I made in social manners but I can't fathom why not following "rules laid down by man" deems one "strange"! I did not feel out of place or uncomfortable using my chopsticks in that manner so why the heck should a stranger be so nosey as to notice it??! She obviously got bored with her companion!

'Resurrected' Blog

I named this blog Pseudo-philosophies because I did not major in Philosophy but in Literature. Philosophy is interesting but heavy to absorb and study. There are so many philosophers, from Aristotle to Confucius but actually I feel that one word sums up their teachings : subjectivity. Probably what justifies their recognition is their education and sense. My "subjective perceptions" are definitely inferior to theirs but they are not necessarily redundant. We base our perceptions on life anyway. We have a common basis. Oh no, I'm spurting out crap here. Gosh! How the mind can deviate in its thought processes! Oh well, let it be then. That is why I included the word "pseudo" in my blog name. It means fake! I know my limitations and inabilities. Hehe. Wo Bu Shi Bu Zi Liang Li! My thoughts can vary in range from the simplest to the most profound. It depends on circumstances.

This is my second time creating a blog and it seems to have succeeded... so far... I had problems with the template changes at my first attempt and it took me a long time, as you can see, for me to bounce back to create another one. The first one is left rotting somewhere in cyberspace.

My friend read it and she thinks it is cool! Wow! I thought it was nerdy but she actually read the entries! This means a lot. Thank you Hazel, you're a darling! It must be due to the template colours another friend used in it. She used tones of green, which I like as I look at them longer (alliteration!) It means nature and provides an outlet for rest for my eyes. I'm a nature-lover! I remember the Rockie Mountains in Canada.......way out of this world man! I had actually deleted my blog by mistake but she brought it back to life for me!! She made my blog wonderful!! Thank you Frances, you're a genius!! Hazel's friend too, said my blog rocks. Woa!